Starring: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Ray Winstone, Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth, Anthony Hopkins & introducing the Fallen Angel Rock Monsters
Directed by: Darren Aronofsky
Rating: 0 stars
I knew that Noahwould be terrible, but nothing could prepare me for this atrocity.
Noah (Crowe) is a knife wielding murdering maniac.
Rock monsters called ‘Watchers’ are fallen angels that stomp people to death.
Noah’s wife Naameh (Connelly) can make a magical home pregnancy test out of a leaf.
People mine mystical golden fire-ore from the ground.
Sin is a virus.
And God is nowhere to be found.
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| I don't remember this is the Bible: Noah being a psychopathic maniac...! |
This is Mr Darrenofsky’s vision of the Bible. Or the Torah, since he’s Jewish. And it is just horrendous.
Having already made two of the worst movies of all time, Darrenofsky wanted to prove that he could do it again: this time with a big budget Blockbuster.
Noah is supposedly based on the Biblical story about a man who is told by God to build an ark to survive a flood. The movie has an ark and a flood, but no God, which makes the movie entirely pointless.
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| Here's the Ark- but where's God? |
Also, in the original story, Noah and his family are meant to be the only decent people left alive, but in this version, Noah is a hateful, evil killer who loves nothing more than to bully everyone around him. He also, for no apparent reason, turns into an alcoholic, because Darrenofsky thought it would be powerful to show that Noah experienced some kind of psychological trauma as a result of his actions. But this doesn’t work, because Noah is meant to be a holy man, not a psychopath.
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| Oh Noah... who knew you could make your own alcohol out of grapes you found on a beach? |
Oh Mr Darrenofsky. You’ve always made such terrible films. Even though you were clearly off your nut from the word go, this time you’ve really shown, everyone- not just me-how bad of a director you really are.
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| Noah's family need to worry more about Noah then the flood- as he is more danger to them... |
Just like Les Mis, Darrenofsky thought it would be clever to film everything in extreme close up. It isn’t. He also loves line crosses- which he uses for no real reason except to show us his ineptitude as a movie director.
Darrenofsky also thought that it would be a clever idea to have a time lapse evolution meets creationism sequence- with added guns and tomahawks. Subtly clearly isn’t his forte- something we know with the abysmal movie destroying transformation moment in Black Swan- and just like his protagonist Noah he bludgeons people to death with a hammer to try to get them to submit to his philosophy.
Other unbelievably terrible moments in Noah include coma inducing herbal smoke- which is used to make all of the animals on the ark fall asleep, flowers growing out of raindrops, a forest growing out of a seed, the terrible actress from Harry Potter being cured of her barrenness and then having sex in the woods with her sort-of brother and a magical glowing snake skin that Satan shed. But this snake skin is meant to be good. I’m not quite sure why.
And let’s not forget Noah trying to kill his entire family, for some strange reason. And the visions he only has in the first ten minutes of the film. And the people being trampled to death. And the dove- which is so horribly cheesy and only enters into the movie as an afterthought.
There are just so many bad things about this film- it's hard for me to remember them all.
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| Noah takes on an evil tribal leader- with disastrous consequences... |
As far as the ‘acting’ is concerned, Jennifer Connelly is the only person with a real character. Russell Crowe plays Russell Crowe a thug, Ray Winstone plays a thug, Anthony Hopkins plays a magician and the other characters just stare at the camera in shock. Hermione delivers her dependable drama school over-pronunciation shtick, but this time gets to cry and scream a bit. But she still can’t act.
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| The girl famous for her bad acting in Harry Potter once again struggles to act... |
The horror elements Darrenofsky tries to borrow from The Passion of the Christ just don’t work. The Lord of the Rings style shots don’t work. The terrible CGI animals also don’t work.
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| The animals came in two by two... Or by the millions... |
The ending reallydoesn’t work. After seeing hundreds of thousands of people being butchered and stamped on and slaughtered and drown, a rainbow borealis wasn’t going to cheer me up. Nothing would. I found the whole thing traumatic.
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| It's raining. |
It’s hard to hate something so awful, because I had braced myself for it. Even so, I was genuinely shocked by how stupid and incomprehensible it was. I actually sat in stunned silence at the end credits for several seconds, unable to move or speak.
That’s how bad Noah is.
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| Even a flood this big can't wash away how bad the movie is... |
And what made it worse was that Noah made me think about the state of modern cinema. Is this really the best that people can make? Is Mr Darrenofsky really the kind of person a film studio can trust with their money?
It boggles the mind.
Everyone should avoid Noah at all costs. It is a pretentious, blasphemous, problem riddled mess that should sink to the bottom of the ocean and be forgotten forever.
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